And a new year means new problems… As usual huh?  I need to start writing here more. I don’t know why I don’t probably because I’m too lazy. But I have a laptop now so I don’t need to sit in my uncomfortable chair any longer.

Let’s see… we spent Christmas with my brother and sister at her house.  Boy it was kind of fun but it was like Ok so we’re related on holidays and when people die (sometimes) but no other time. Because it took them like 2 months to contact me after Christmas. I just don’t care anymore, I feel very left out of this so called family. My sister and my brother both have new lives that don’t involve me or my children.  And apparantly since my brother isnt talking to our mother anymore I have to hear everything from our mom. And well since my brother is a big baby and can’t be man enough to talk to her he sent a woman who isn’t even part of the family to talk to her. Well whatever he’s such a big man to be in the army but he can’t be a big enough man to talk to his own mom about how he feels and why he hates her. Whatever I have my own life with my own problems I’m not gonna worry anymore about not having siblings that care about me because they don’t.

We are finally getting a car! YAY finally after almost 4 1/2 years we’re getting a car tomorrow. I can’t wait to be able to drive to work. And drive to the grocery store if i want. Or even go to taco bell at 11pm at night because I have a craving LOL.

I’ve had a ton of dental work done in the last like 5 months or so and i went to have a tooth pulled last week because it broke and well it got infected and the dentist had to call me in some antibiotics after i begged him to. and now there is still a piece of tooth sticking out! it fuggin HURTS. Ugh it pisses me off I cant even brush that part of my mouth because it hurts so bad. I am so never going back to the dentist again. I had no problems until I started going to get things fixed.

My job is going really well… even though I hate the new pharmacist that works there cuz he’s a freakin weirdo… I still love my job. I am going to register April 1st to take my Pharmacy Technician exam sometime in April so I am pretty excited about that. I really want to become the other lead tech in our store. And I’m pretty advanced in knowledge so I think I’ll do well

The kids are doing good, we were supposed to register Emma for kindergarten today but now we’re snowed in cuz of this Nor’Easter so we’re not going anywhere lol. Bobby is flippin out of his mind but he’s just like his father so it’s no surpise hahahaha.

Well I guess that’s it for now hopefully I will write sooner rather then later

xoxo

I am going to take this opportunity to explain how I really feel. I always say, “I’m okay” or “We’re doing fine.” to people who ask. And is that the truth? Not really… Even though we’re doing literally “ok” with me working Josh home with the kids and stuff… I still feel that I am inadequate. Why? Because of how my family treats me. Because I’ve been ignored for years on end or months at a time. I’ve been pushed aside or made feel worthless. Because I didn’t go to college (or finish it for that matter) doesn’t mean that I work my ASS off for my children. I have a great job which I can excell in, and am doing. My  bosses love me and are proud of me, they tell me on almost a daily basis. They are there for me more then my family is.

My mother is married to her third husband god knows for money, love whatever. I don’t know him and don’t care to know him. But she has her new family, and she constantly makes me feel that I am no longer number one on her list. But.. why would I want to be after what she did to my family and especially my children. When we up and moved from our comfortable life in upstate new york to live closer to her because we had no family there. I spend literally thousands of dollars to move the four of us down there. All she had to do was look at the place we were going to live and make sure it was suitable for my children. I quit my job we pack up all our shit and rent a car to move down there. We get there and what do we find? The place is a shit hole with rat holes and bugs everywhere. Now seriously what the hell kind of mother would say this is a good place send your money to this guy. UGH.. I will never ever EVER forgive her for that. Even though it made us land where we are today and at my good job now, I will not forgive her for scaring my children, especially bobby, for life. She didn’t even let us stay in her house after we couldn’t stay in that place. She made us rent a freakin hotel room! Her new husband couldn’t handle the kids staying there. What the fuck ever. Sorry but no parent does that to a child they love.

I love my brother with all my heart, he means the world to me and I am so totally proud of him. Even though I can’t hardly say it because he isn’t the type to show emotions like that (as far as I know). I just feel that he treats me like he has to.. like he may or may not love me because he wants to but because I’m his sister. He has our older sister who he is totally connected with. I feel pushed aside like .. who cares about Missi… She can’t live up to our standards so why should we even bother with her. That’s how I feel. When he called the other day to tell me that he was home from Iraq, well in the US… I was so freakin happy… but the conversation had a vibe that made me so upset I just can’t get over it. It hurt me right down to the bottom of my soul. It felt like I was just one other person he was calling to tell he was back in the US and that was that. I can feel he’s gonna come up for christmas, spend a few hours with me and the kids and spend the rest (including christmas) with our sister. Then he’s going to leave without saying goodbye, like he did last time before he left for Iraq.

My sister? I don’t even know what to say. We used to be so close I don’t know what happend. Between my mom lying to me to make me think one thing that wasn’t true we didn’t talk for years because of something She said to me before we moved up to new york. She didn’t look for me hard enough to find me before my step father died, i never got to say goodbye, i never got to go to his funeral or anything. and he’s not even buried so i cant even go to his grave. he was my father too for over 20 years.  i will never get over that. my brother leaves for iraq and POOF…. no word from her. I text her one day and she thinks im our brother. UGH. We end up hanging out one day and she promises my daughter that we’d do a birthday party for her at her house at the pool. Of course Emma is super excited.. I call and text her for weeks… no answer.. Nothing.. She lets down my daughter… You do NOT do that to my children. EVER. Same thing with my mother I will never forgive her for what she did and this is the same thing. Emma talked about that for freakin weeks after her birthday. She hasn’t called or texted or spoken to me since. I don’t know what the hell her problem is, but seriously, she’s what.. 40 years old? And she acts like a child. I am her sister, blood or not blood we’ve been family since I was a baby. But apparantly that means nothing to her, apparantly I mean nothing to her. The fact that she made me her youngest sons god mother, means nothing to her. And that hurts because now I have no one.

I have no family, except for my father who is dying who I can never see because he’s hours away and I don’t have a car, or a family member who can drive me to see him. I have work, and my kids and that’s it.. I do the best I can. I work so hard, I take extra shifts everything for my children. But its never good enough. I can never live up to the standards that my family puts on me. I don’t know what else I am supposed to do.

I can’t talk to my husband… because he makes me feel he doesn’t care. I tried telling him how my brother made me feel and I get an “uh huh”. So I can do nothing else except for take a shower and cry to myself. And not  just little tears, balling… pure balling. 

I’ve been so depressed and sad for months now. Because I Have no family that loves me. I feel that they all use me for something when they need it. My sister was hurting because our brother was in Iraq, and it was scary. But what about me? So was I … and I went through a lot these past months and I had no one. Because I had a selfish sister who doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.  I feel so badly for my children because of how my family makes me feel it makes me feel that I’m not a good enough mother. That no matter what I do I’m going to suck at being a mom and can’t take care of them like they should be.  This is how they make me feel.

This is how I really feel….

After a move to a new host and trying to get everything set up with this theme I’m back. Still some things to work on though.

Whats been going on? Everything… I have been seeing a Psychiatrist to help deal with my depression and all the other crap in my head. It’s not working so far. My therapist is crazy herself. Haven’t seen her in a few weeks because she couldn’t be bothered to call me back with an appointment. But whatever her office smells weird. I’m not doing great but I’m not doing bad either. Just really depressed… We have no family around here.. it really sucks. My sister fell off the face of the planet because from what I saw she’s being selfish about OUR brother being in Iraq. He’s just as much my brother as hers but apparantly she is the only one that can feel shitty that he’s over there.  What also sucks is that I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I sent him a care package so I’m hoping that he got it. I did send him an email telling him not to call me if he’s just doing it because he thinks he has to. Because thats what it felt like when we were on the phone. We barely talked   (that’s a frown lol). Conversation went like this.. Hey how are you? I’m doing okay its hot blah blah… SILENCE… so how you’ve been doing? good the kids are okay bobs back in school… SILENCE… Hows everything? Lord what a crappy conversation to have with your brother while he’s over in hell.

Bobby’s doing ok in school. He’s seeing a psychiatrist too because he wont shut the hell up! OMG this boy talks and talks and  talks and omg its to the point where you want to stab your ears with a knife. The doctor has him on medication but all it seems to do is help him fall asleep, which is good cuz the boy never went to bed before 11pm now he’s asleep 1 hr after taking his pill. But it hasnt been helping with the talking all the time, or the whineing or the crying or the screaming ughh… so we’ll see I guess.

Emma’s doing good, she’s not in preschool this year because no one ever called me back to get her in. I hate this town. But she’s good and she’s really smart so she’ll be good to go next year for Kindergarten, well except for the potty stuff… Nope not potty trained yet she knows how to do it but she refuses to go. So I think I’m just gonna say no pullups during the day at all you have to use the potty. Can’t take it anymore.

Josh is doing okay too his meds seem to be working (yes we’re a medicated family..cept for emma that is thank god) He’s still home with the kids. I always am scared that the meds will stop working and my Josh will go away again. I love him so much I can’t bare with his other side comes out. I think our marriage is doing better then it was 2 years ago or even a year ago. We’re closer and I love it.

I’m still at CVS/Pharmacy and I’m a technician. I just had my 1 year anniversary. I really love my job but hateeee the customers lol. Not all of them just most (thats a smile). In January/February I am gonna go and do my national certification test and pass so I can become a lead tech here at cvs. IM SO EXCITED lol. Because I am totally learning all this math stuff.

BTW.. It’s only 6:42 in the morning, I’ve been yelling at bob to shut up since 5am he won’t sit down he won’t shut up AHHHHHHHHHH

Okies gotta go
Still not sure how I’m gonna sign off on here.. hehe

xoxo