It seems that it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can be the BEST at something and you’re still just another employee, another friend, another whatever.

We got a new boss at work, and it’s hard to read him. I know him, I consider him a friend even tho we never hung our or anything like that. He’s a nice guy, I just can’t read him. I’m good at reading people and figuring out who they are, what they want etc. But him I can’t. At least not with work related stuff. So I go to him and I’m like you need to tell me what you want from me (lol). He’s here to change and make our store better WHICH I am super happy about. Because our store SUCKS.  There are so many things I want to do but I’m only a lead tech I’m not a RpH and I’m not in charge (of much). But I hate not knowing what is expected of me. For the last … forever.. I’ve been doing everything. Which is fine by me because that’s what was expected of me.  But now I get the impression that he doesn’t like that I do everything. Which sux because I’m thinking to myself if I don’t do it all what the hell am I gonna do? I’ll be bored outta my mind! He told me once he evaluates everyone and everything we’ll have a meeting of all the techs and RpH’s … Blah can’t wait that long lol.

So yesterday I was scheduled to work from 7am to 3pm as usual. Didn’t go to work because I got to go to a meeting with my girl Vi (an RpH) in Hatboro about “Trending Stores”. Which means that if we’re not careful our store is gonna tank then the big wigs will come in and we’re screwed. This is nothing new, it has been on and off this way for the last year since Heather and Chris left our store.  Anyway it was a good meeting and I got some good ideas and I will impliment them  on  Monday when I go to work.

Then we went to lunch at Friendlys (thanks Vi!) and we headed over to the Korean Market, that was a blast! I got some cool asian snacks and took some pics of some weird vegetables I’ve never seen before. Then we headed over to Walmart so I could go get my new pillows since the dog peed on mine, UGH!  Then off to the dollar store, we had to kill time before we had to pick up Vi’s girlfriend Sam at work. It was a fun day all in all.

Like I said I’ve been up at 5:30am every day to be at work at 7am. I like the schedule because I get out early and can spend more time with my kids.  But I am SO tired by like 7pm. I haven’t been able to stay up past like 8:30pm every night lol.  And Bobby is just getting worse. He wakes up at 4am and is SO LOUD. Not even kidding it’s like he thinks its 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Iam so damn tired of this kid and his aspberger’s.There I said it,I am sick of it, I can’t take it anymore.  He peed in his pants over night for 8 years, then he stopped for like 3-4 months now he started again. I can’t afford to buy him freakin goodnites for him to sleep in every night so he doesn’t pee in his clothes or his bed. And he doesn’t even care!  So when we go to the doctor next Saturday I’m gonna ask him for a script for goodnites for him AND something for hyperactivity and maybe that will calm him down enough that he won’t be so off the wall and killing me every damn day. I just want to cry, the kid doesn’t stop. And I need a break and I don’t get it. Yea I know Josh is home with them more then me but Bobby doesn’t act that way around Josh because he’s scared of him. Bobby might piss Josh off but Josh isn’t up at 4am with him EVERY damn day telling him to shut up because people are sleeping.

So tired, the kids are upstairs doing something bad…Til next time

This is how my day went. Exactly like the Black Eyed Peas song Boom Boom Pow. Woke up at 6 or so and took the dog out. Then I got the kids ready for school and gave Bobby his pills. I left about 8:05 because I had a doctor’s appointment at 8:30 and I always like to be early. Josh took the kids to the bus (this is something I usually do on my way to work).

At the doctors office we discussed my doctor monitored diet that I need to take prior to my surgery that is required by my insurance company.  We also discussed the problem I am having in a region of my body that we won’t speak of here.  I went to work right after to start the Order for the pharmacy. By the way I took a vacation day today and I did the order becase no one else was going to do it. Oh yea and I didn’t get paid for the extra time I spent there. So after I was done I offered to stay and help and get out of the “red” which means we are hours behind in prescriptions for whatever reason. I stayed till about 11:15 So it was about an hour and 45 minutes that I worked and didn’t get paid for. I put my rx’s in one wasn’t covered, fabulous.

Off to my house where I will wait to get Emma from the bus and then wait a little longer to take her to the dentist. So her appointment was at 1:15. I want to get there early because it’s her first time and I know that we’ll have to fill out paperwork so we get there about 12:45. Upon arrival there are papers sitting there and a note that says they will be out to lunch until 1:30 and to fill out the paperwork. I’m like fucking great. You schedule us for 1:15 but then not come back til 1:30. I guess their normal clientel don’t show up on time. So we fill out the paperwork and I start to fall asleep. They all come back and the nurse comes out and brings Emma in for xrays.  Their in there for about a 1/2 hour. I lean over to Josh and am like uh do xrays take this long? So the nurse comes out and says we’re all ready for you. They did the cleaning after the xrays. Emma did fabulous. She got to wear red barbie sunglasses so the light didn’t shine in her face haha.  She says they don’t usually let the parents in the room but since it was the first time they let us to see how things are and stuff.  Fine by me I don’t think I could handle watching it. The dentist seemed like a nice guy, he kinda freaked out on me because I let Emma use a sippy cup at night time so she didn’t spill on my carpet. But whatever I understood what he was saying and told him it would never happen again.  Basically Emma needs a lot of work. She has tons of cavaties, and some due to the fact of the sippy cup that is forever gone.  So they are gonna work from the back to the front.  And she has some decay in the front 2 teeth from the sippy cup of doom and he said they would do those last. Because they should be falling out soon and if they don’t they’ll just pull them out. WONDERFUL. The nurse said that they give them the silly gas and they fall asleep and by the time they wake up they don’t remember what happend. Whew that’s a good thing. But my poor baby will be in pain.  So that’s another vacation day I’ll be taking which is fine. Because she’s my kid and I want to take care of her.

So then we head over to the crazy doctors office.  We’ve been going there for almost 2 years now. Me and Josh that is. We see the same doctor, which helps.  So Josh goes in first, in and out in 5 minutes. Then I go in and we chat about my work because he calls there all the time for scripts and such. He tells me to come back in March, sure doc thats fine with me. So I leave and we go to make our appointment and Josh tells me that the doctor is lowering his Abilify from 30mg to 20mg. I’m like WHAT? so I go back and knock on the drs door and ask him what the HELL he thinks he’s doing.  So he goes on to tell me that it’s time to lower his dose and because Josh is gaining weight but if his mood starts to change to the bad then to start taking the 30mg tablets again. Well great, why fix something that isn’t broken? Josh has bipolar disorder and this Abilify 30mg has been working for over a year now and he hasn’t had any slips or anything except for one time when he really wasn’t taking his meds like he was supposed to. ANYWAY…. So whatever I think Josh needs to pretend he took the 20mg Abilify and when he goes back next month tell the Dr that he feels better when he’s on the 30mg.  So we leave and I drop Josh off at the bus stop to wait for Bobby and me and Emma head to my work so I can put another order in. (Because I’m that nice? No because I don’t want someone else fucking it up)

We get to work and I sit Emma down so I can put the order in. Lori (my boss and head RpH) tells me that Doug (Leader of the District minions) wants someone in at work at 7am every day. Usually there is Diane in at 8:15 and then I come in at 8:30… Apparantly that’s not good enough. And no one else can/wants to come in at 7am so I am the one to do it. I really don’t mind to much because that means I can leave at 3pm every day and be home with the kids more (yay?) It also means that Josh has to take the kids to the bus every morning.  I said hey you don’t even need to be fully awake to take them to the bus haha, then he can come back and go back to sleep til he has to pick Emma up at 11:30.

So me and Emma head home… I get home to find out that Bobby told his teacher that a cat pissed on his backpack. SINCE WHEN? Lord have mercy don’t let me have a stroke.  The kid told me this morning that he wanted a new backpack I said no because I have $19 (now $8) in the bank and can’t afford it and I just got him that backpack.  Whatever the teacher gave him a new one. But I’m so sick and tired of this kid telling people a cat pissed on his stuff! Seriously not kidding he does this all the time and NO ONE pisses on anything. UGH.. Then we come to find out a cat took a shit upstairs, FREAKING wonderful.  I’m just gonna throw these damn cats out the freakin window. They have a sweet life here and they don’t know how bad it could be if they were OUTSIDE cats. Especially Jeter since he weighs about the amoutn a medium sized dog would weigh(he weighs more then our dog).

So now Josh is making dinner (it’s the least he could do) and I’m sitting here finishing up this blog post then I’m going to screw around for awhile before The Biggest Loser comes on at 8pm EST. LOVE that show.

Until next time

Seems that this is how I live lately, actually more then lately. For as far back as I can remember living in this shithole apartment in Easton, PA. Bobby waking me up at the crack ass of dawn. Not even dawn its still dark out.  On my day off no less I am waking up before 6am every damn day.  I am so tired, no wonder why I go to bed before 9pm every night because I can barely sleep through the night wondering if Bobby is going to wake up at 1am and steal all the food out of the closet. Or open the front door and let the bad guys in.

He wakes up  before 6am every day no matter what time he goes to sleep the night before. And he’s not just awake and wants to watch tv. He’s ready and raring to go. He doesn’t whisper or talk softly he’s talking like there are other people up and talking and walking around.  I tell him just be quiet and play on the computer. But he cant even do that. It’s Mommy why is it dark out? Mommy there’s a weird light outside. Mommy what does this say?  My god child GO TO BED.  The kid has Aspberger’s Syndrome, but it seems that nothing helps. Hes on medication that helps him go to sleep at night but he needs something to get him to calm the hell down first thing in the morning, and all day for that matter.

On another note… I go to my doctor for a check up on Tuesday. Where I will talk to her about how my insurance is requiring a 6 month diet where I need to see my doctor once a month for 6 months and she’ll mark down how much I weigh, what kind of exercise I am doing and what kind of healthy eating I am doing. So that in June/July of this year I can have gastric bypass or lapband surgery.  I am kind of leaning toward the gastric bypass because I really don’t want some plastic thing inside of me that can mold into the insides of my body or stop working. Yea i’d rather them just sew my stomach into a small pocket and be done with it.  I am really looking forward to the surgery and hope the next 6 months go by super fast. I have already started the so called diet. I cut out drinking soda(even tho i did have some rootbeer the other day haha). I have already lost 6lbs. When they weighed me at the office of the surgeon I weighed about 334. Now I weigh 328.  I haven’t done much exercise as it has been freakin cold as a witches well you know what outside. Once it gets warmer out then me and the little doggy(gizmo) will be going for walks a couple times a week. Depending on if I feel like I’m going to die after work haha.

What I really want to do is move back to New York where my friends are (Bec & Stephy). Have my kids go to schools where the teachers and the nurse aren’t fucking assholes. Where my husband and I can actually feel comfortable and not feel like there are people sneaking up our stairs in the middle of the night to break into our house.

That’s enough for now. Til later.

And a new year means new problems… As usual huh?  I need to start writing here more. I don’t know why I don’t probably because I’m too lazy. But I have a laptop now so I don’t need to sit in my uncomfortable chair any longer.

Let’s see… we spent Christmas with my brother and sister at her house.  Boy it was kind of fun but it was like Ok so we’re related on holidays and when people die (sometimes) but no other time. Because it took them like 2 months to contact me after Christmas. I just don’t care anymore, I feel very left out of this so called family. My sister and my brother both have new lives that don’t involve me or my children.  And apparantly since my brother isnt talking to our mother anymore I have to hear everything from our mom. And well since my brother is a big baby and can’t be man enough to talk to her he sent a woman who isn’t even part of the family to talk to her. Well whatever he’s such a big man to be in the army but he can’t be a big enough man to talk to his own mom about how he feels and why he hates her. Whatever I have my own life with my own problems I’m not gonna worry anymore about not having siblings that care about me because they don’t.

We are finally getting a car! YAY finally after almost 4 1/2 years we’re getting a car tomorrow. I can’t wait to be able to drive to work. And drive to the grocery store if i want. Or even go to taco bell at 11pm at night because I have a craving LOL.

I’ve had a ton of dental work done in the last like 5 months or so and i went to have a tooth pulled last week because it broke and well it got infected and the dentist had to call me in some antibiotics after i begged him to. and now there is still a piece of tooth sticking out! it fuggin HURTS. Ugh it pisses me off I cant even brush that part of my mouth because it hurts so bad. I am so never going back to the dentist again. I had no problems until I started going to get things fixed.

My job is going really well… even though I hate the new pharmacist that works there cuz he’s a freakin weirdo… I still love my job. I am going to register April 1st to take my Pharmacy Technician exam sometime in April so I am pretty excited about that. I really want to become the other lead tech in our store. And I’m pretty advanced in knowledge so I think I’ll do well

The kids are doing good, we were supposed to register Emma for kindergarten today but now we’re snowed in cuz of this Nor’Easter so we’re not going anywhere lol. Bobby is flippin out of his mind but he’s just like his father so it’s no surpise hahahaha.

Well I guess that’s it for now hopefully I will write sooner rather then later

xoxo

I am going to take this opportunity to explain how I really feel. I always say, “I’m okay” or “We’re doing fine.” to people who ask. And is that the truth? Not really… Even though we’re doing literally “ok” with me working Josh home with the kids and stuff… I still feel that I am inadequate. Why? Because of how my family treats me. Because I’ve been ignored for years on end or months at a time. I’ve been pushed aside or made feel worthless. Because I didn’t go to college (or finish it for that matter) doesn’t mean that I work my ASS off for my children. I have a great job which I can excell in, and am doing. My  bosses love me and are proud of me, they tell me on almost a daily basis. They are there for me more then my family is.

My mother is married to her third husband god knows for money, love whatever. I don’t know him and don’t care to know him. But she has her new family, and she constantly makes me feel that I am no longer number one on her list. But.. why would I want to be after what she did to my family and especially my children. When we up and moved from our comfortable life in upstate new york to live closer to her because we had no family there. I spend literally thousands of dollars to move the four of us down there. All she had to do was look at the place we were going to live and make sure it was suitable for my children. I quit my job we pack up all our shit and rent a car to move down there. We get there and what do we find? The place is a shit hole with rat holes and bugs everywhere. Now seriously what the hell kind of mother would say this is a good place send your money to this guy. UGH.. I will never ever EVER forgive her for that. Even though it made us land where we are today and at my good job now, I will not forgive her for scaring my children, especially bobby, for life. She didn’t even let us stay in her house after we couldn’t stay in that place. She made us rent a freakin hotel room! Her new husband couldn’t handle the kids staying there. What the fuck ever. Sorry but no parent does that to a child they love.

I love my brother with all my heart, he means the world to me and I am so totally proud of him. Even though I can’t hardly say it because he isn’t the type to show emotions like that (as far as I know). I just feel that he treats me like he has to.. like he may or may not love me because he wants to but because I’m his sister. He has our older sister who he is totally connected with. I feel pushed aside like .. who cares about Missi… She can’t live up to our standards so why should we even bother with her. That’s how I feel. When he called the other day to tell me that he was home from Iraq, well in the US… I was so freakin happy… but the conversation had a vibe that made me so upset I just can’t get over it. It hurt me right down to the bottom of my soul. It felt like I was just one other person he was calling to tell he was back in the US and that was that. I can feel he’s gonna come up for christmas, spend a few hours with me and the kids and spend the rest (including christmas) with our sister. Then he’s going to leave without saying goodbye, like he did last time before he left for Iraq.

My sister? I don’t even know what to say. We used to be so close I don’t know what happend. Between my mom lying to me to make me think one thing that wasn’t true we didn’t talk for years because of something She said to me before we moved up to new york. She didn’t look for me hard enough to find me before my step father died, i never got to say goodbye, i never got to go to his funeral or anything. and he’s not even buried so i cant even go to his grave. he was my father too for over 20 years.  i will never get over that. my brother leaves for iraq and POOF…. no word from her. I text her one day and she thinks im our brother. UGH. We end up hanging out one day and she promises my daughter that we’d do a birthday party for her at her house at the pool. Of course Emma is super excited.. I call and text her for weeks… no answer.. Nothing.. She lets down my daughter… You do NOT do that to my children. EVER. Same thing with my mother I will never forgive her for what she did and this is the same thing. Emma talked about that for freakin weeks after her birthday. She hasn’t called or texted or spoken to me since. I don’t know what the hell her problem is, but seriously, she’s what.. 40 years old? And she acts like a child. I am her sister, blood or not blood we’ve been family since I was a baby. But apparantly that means nothing to her, apparantly I mean nothing to her. The fact that she made me her youngest sons god mother, means nothing to her. And that hurts because now I have no one.

I have no family, except for my father who is dying who I can never see because he’s hours away and I don’t have a car, or a family member who can drive me to see him. I have work, and my kids and that’s it.. I do the best I can. I work so hard, I take extra shifts everything for my children. But its never good enough. I can never live up to the standards that my family puts on me. I don’t know what else I am supposed to do.

I can’t talk to my husband… because he makes me feel he doesn’t care. I tried telling him how my brother made me feel and I get an “uh huh”. So I can do nothing else except for take a shower and cry to myself. And not  just little tears, balling… pure balling. 

I’ve been so depressed and sad for months now. Because I Have no family that loves me. I feel that they all use me for something when they need it. My sister was hurting because our brother was in Iraq, and it was scary. But what about me? So was I … and I went through a lot these past months and I had no one. Because I had a selfish sister who doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.  I feel so badly for my children because of how my family makes me feel it makes me feel that I’m not a good enough mother. That no matter what I do I’m going to suck at being a mom and can’t take care of them like they should be.  This is how they make me feel.

This is how I really feel….

After a move to a new host and trying to get everything set up with this theme I’m back. Still some things to work on though.

Whats been going on? Everything… I have been seeing a Psychiatrist to help deal with my depression and all the other crap in my head. It’s not working so far. My therapist is crazy herself. Haven’t seen her in a few weeks because she couldn’t be bothered to call me back with an appointment. But whatever her office smells weird. I’m not doing great but I’m not doing bad either. Just really depressed… We have no family around here.. it really sucks. My sister fell off the face of the planet because from what I saw she’s being selfish about OUR brother being in Iraq. He’s just as much my brother as hers but apparantly she is the only one that can feel shitty that he’s over there.  What also sucks is that I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I sent him a care package so I’m hoping that he got it. I did send him an email telling him not to call me if he’s just doing it because he thinks he has to. Because thats what it felt like when we were on the phone. We barely talked   (that’s a frown lol). Conversation went like this.. Hey how are you? I’m doing okay its hot blah blah… SILENCE… so how you’ve been doing? good the kids are okay bobs back in school… SILENCE… Hows everything? Lord what a crappy conversation to have with your brother while he’s over in hell.

Bobby’s doing ok in school. He’s seeing a psychiatrist too because he wont shut the hell up! OMG this boy talks and talks and  talks and omg its to the point where you want to stab your ears with a knife. The doctor has him on medication but all it seems to do is help him fall asleep, which is good cuz the boy never went to bed before 11pm now he’s asleep 1 hr after taking his pill. But it hasnt been helping with the talking all the time, or the whineing or the crying or the screaming ughh… so we’ll see I guess.

Emma’s doing good, she’s not in preschool this year because no one ever called me back to get her in. I hate this town. But she’s good and she’s really smart so she’ll be good to go next year for Kindergarten, well except for the potty stuff… Nope not potty trained yet she knows how to do it but she refuses to go. So I think I’m just gonna say no pullups during the day at all you have to use the potty. Can’t take it anymore.

Josh is doing okay too his meds seem to be working (yes we’re a medicated family..cept for emma that is thank god) He’s still home with the kids. I always am scared that the meds will stop working and my Josh will go away again. I love him so much I can’t bare with his other side comes out. I think our marriage is doing better then it was 2 years ago or even a year ago. We’re closer and I love it.

I’m still at CVS/Pharmacy and I’m a technician. I just had my 1 year anniversary. I really love my job but hateeee the customers lol. Not all of them just most (thats a smile). In January/February I am gonna go and do my national certification test and pass so I can become a lead tech here at cvs. IM SO EXCITED lol. Because I am totally learning all this math stuff.

BTW.. It’s only 6:42 in the morning, I’ve been yelling at bob to shut up since 5am he won’t sit down he won’t shut up AHHHHHHHHHH

Okies gotta go
Still not sure how I’m gonna sign off on here.. hehe

xoxo